The Rhythm of My Life

Music, what can I say, I could not imagine my life without it. I think of music as part of everything I do. I am sure I have a song for every topic. These days my musical diet is mainly gospel, I try to feast on music that will help me focus on my relationship with Christ and centre my thoughts on the things of God. Please pay attention to my words - 'mainly' and 'try'. My spirit constantly wars with my flesh, my spirit wants to grow deeper in God and focus on the word of God and develop in my various Christian ministries. My flesh on the other hand wants to listen to dancehall music, alternative rock, R & B and rap music from the 90's. Talk about a fight to the bitter end because when I feel tired and just totally spent, sometimes to build a vibes to get me home only some 90's dancehall music will wake me up. But, oh boy oh boy the thoughts I have driving and listening to that music, has nothing to do with God.

I wonder if you understand what I mean? Listening to gospel music here is where my mind is; God is so good He has rescued me and delivered me from so much, His favour goes from everlasting to everlasting, I love being in His presence. At this point I am rocking and singing and worshiping and it is total ministry. Thinking of how I can be a better servant to Him and the people of God. I am living in His promises and I am transformed by His grace, a grace that I do not deserve but He somehow showers on me. I am thinking of new gospel music that can be introduced to the worship team and new topics for the radio programme I sometimes host. In short I am focused on my ministry and my saviour. Ultimately I feel like I can face any trial as I am close to God and there is no doubt, not question that He is close to me and He has my back. I am covered, I am protected, I am blessed, I am happy. There in that moment I know who I am and whose I am. My heart is light and all I can think of is how all my life He has been faithful, all my life He has been so, so good and all I want to shout and affirm is that with every breath that I am able I will sing of the goodness of God (Bethel Music).

Flip side to that - I am listening to Jorja Smith, "Be Honest" and then Hozier, "Movement" and then Kendrick Lamar, "Loyalty" - it is not pretty. My mind is definitely not on Jesus. My mind is now on past relationships, present relationships, romance, sex and I become very aware of my body. I switch to 90's dancehall music and my movement and focus are on my nether regions. The memories of encounters that bring laughter and sometimes anger depending on how heavy the beat of the music, the flow of the lyrics and the thoughts being expressed. My body, my whole being become consumed and I am transported to a time when Christ was not a part of my life and my language made reference to a very distant "God" who I called on when difficulty and trouble loomed. At this time who cares how loud the music is, as long as the beat is heavy, the words are rolling off my tongue and I am on a high in that moment, "is a whole vibe". At this point there is an excitement and I recall the dance moves and some of what I was doing when those songs were hits. Unfortunately my love of dancehall music is not confined to the 90's as those of our times have caught my attention. I am able to quote from some songs and reference music I have no business knowing. Popular dancehall culture is not lost on me one bit, Father God deliver me wid mi likkle bit a money! (Govanna)

After wining up my body and traveling mentally to forbidden places I sometimes feel guilty and almost fearful of what God thinks of me. I think that He is right there watching, listening and saying, "watch mi pickney!" He is still there I am the one who moved for a bit, He is still there waiting for me to realise that in those 20 or 30 minutes of hype and vibe there is no peace no true happiness and I am left with memories that deserve to be in a vault under lock and key. Memories that are only memories for a reason, they do not belong in my present. At this moment I become undone and return to the arms of my greatest love. The muscles that were tensed to facilitate the rolling of my hips, relax and, my brow is no longer knitted and my tongue is no longer hanging outside of my head. Sanity returns and Jesus Christ remains Lord of my life!

I have come to understand that my Christianity is like any other relationship, it has to be maintained and it takes commitment and an understanding that my lover is not looking to strike me down for every mistake and slip. On the other hand, I must not take my bridegroom for granted as He requires my loyalty and commitment and I should never be presumptuous. I am human and I am allowed mistakes but I must never allow my mistakes to become habits as then I may lose my way. I have a past but I also have a future and my future is firmly held in my master's hand and He will never let me go. I am holding on for dear life.

I love music, all kinds of music. I love to dance and sing and sometimes carry-on like a crazy person. Confession is good for the soul........LOL.